I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
