It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
whose parrot is this?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
