This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
