I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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