what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
