there's paper in my vomit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
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