you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my sisters under your porch take her home
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
