i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
