so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
