Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
