What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
