I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
