Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
