It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
