I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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