Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
