you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Farmville is her only friend.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
