On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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