The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So much rum. So many feels.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
