i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
