I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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