I wish I could teleport
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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