I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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