No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
