I wish my penis had an off switch
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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