there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
