Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
