Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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