Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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