loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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