before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
