When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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