you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
