i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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