when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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