The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
