Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
