I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
