Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
