watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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