I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
