i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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