Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
