Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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