she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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