smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm always down for nudity.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
