It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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