12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
