cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
