the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
